| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2005|12:54 pm] |
Right so. If anyone hasn't noticed. If your not my friend on this thing you won't be talking to me. If you want me to add you, say so.
Bye <3 |
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| Stupid Sadistic Abusive Fucking Whore |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|10:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alive Out Of Habit- From Autumn To Ashes | ] |
I was gonna go to Flipside Festival with Laura and Caitlin. But I can't because the stupid degrading horse life that I'm going no where in rules my life. I don't give a flying fuck if people are ready for their rating. It's their problem and they need to keep it out of my life.
My lesson at Foxcroft sucked. I flipped off at the training hay thing. I can't even say on a non recognized Training fence. It hurt like fuck but I was mad so I just got back on and did my stuff. I still hurt. My head hurts, my neck hurts and my back hurts.
First Training Level horse trial this weekend. Maybe I'll hide in the closet.
Not much more to say. I've been pissed and depressed all this weekend, my useless way of life is pissing me off. Yeah. |
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| What's The Worst Thing I Could Say |
[Apr. 8th, 2005|02:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Helena- My Chemical Romance | ] |
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place♥ |
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| HardxCorexGangsta |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|09:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Someone's Standing On My Chest- Atreyu | ] |
I am not an artist or creative human. I am an emulating machine. I am a fraud. I am insincere. Even though I try to deny it, I am a judgmental person. I am a jealous human being who constantly feels the need to compare myself to those around me. I label others, but become offended when people label me. My existence is fueled by the necessity of this world to contain ordinary people. I believe that there is always some reason to feel not good enough. I find it difficult to maintain eye contact. Everytime I walk past a mirror, I stare at myself and then instantly look away ashamed. My body image is severly distorted due to the fact that self-esteem and self-confidence are unknown concepts to me. I speak only when spoken to.
The only place I feel safe, comfortable and most like myself is in my room. Anywhere else is foreign to me. In my room, no one judges me, no one asks me to do things for them, no one demands, no one yells- it is my sanctuary. I have turned into an extremely jealous person. Because of this, I always have a reason to not feel good enough. I set my standards too high and am overwhemlingly devasted when I can't meet them. I sometimes feel like people can't see me or forget about me simply because I am not worth it. Nothing I do is special or truly stands out. There is always someone better. I have finally shut down. I have no desire to talk to anyone who doesn't know me, no desire to make new friends. My friends. Those are the only people I laugh with. They are the only ones that understand--the only ones that will ever understand. I can't rely on anyone else. I don't trust anyone else. I don't want, or need, anyone else. |
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| You Must Be Out Of Your Mind |
[Mar. 29th, 2005|07:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | All That I've Got- The Used | ] |
you can't erase what was mine
you fuck it up everytime
how could you leave me behind
-
7th period is so cool. Tami and I are lovers...but I had to leave my bunny. How sad.
5th period is stupid. I hate sitting next to David
teacher: miss wilson, if I draped a snake around your neck would you be afraid?
me: um sure
david: she's scream and flip out
I think I'm gonna do it friday. or earlier if I can find the heart. It'll be such a mess. |
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| Cotton Candy Prostitutes |
[Mar. 26th, 2005|06:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | irritated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sounds Like The End Of The World- Poison The Well | ] |
Rant
So if you don't want to listen to it get out.
I was suppossed to chill with Deb and those people. I was sick for the past three days and yeah, never heard anything about it. So I went over to Kevne's house. I don't feel bad because I have this feeling I wasn't missed.
The Ring Two wasn't scary. Freakish. But not scary. Kevne's little brother smacked my ass. Next time it happens I'm snapping his wrist.
C3 prep today. I keep getting this feeling that I really don't belong there with those people.
I'm hoping to stall selling Noble untill next year so I can do Difficult Run's prelim in the spring. I don't think it's going to happen.
I'm going to fail my rating. Just so all of you know.
I'm thinking of branching off into being single again. Just an idea, don't start flipping out. I don't feel wanted or needed in what I'm in right now. I think I'm just there. And I don't mean anything. Why keep doing it if it's just going to crush both of us.
Done.
LJ Friends Meme by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) coolerq• You must tell #2 people about this game.
• David is the one that you love.
• Corey is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Erin.
• Jennifer is the one who knows you very well.
• Brittany is your lucky star.
• Someone's Standing On My Chest is the song that matches with David.
• Souds Like The End Of The World is the song for Corey.
• Act Of Depression is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and All That I've Got is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz
...wierd |
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| Tragic Whore |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|03:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bonus Mosh Pt. 2- Taking Back Sunday | ] |
 </p>
Had camp yesterday and Monday at Frying Pan. Place gets old after awhile but it was still fun. Monday was cold and so annoying (proof that you adults can't plan worth shit) but then some of us went over to Caitlin's house...saw this movie and we alll fell asleep. Tuesday was so awsome, Caitlin and I most def acheived step one to world domination. We were doing the training/prelim fences and Noble only refused one jump, which was the corner <3 I heart him
Not much is going on, I think I'm going to Deb's house tomorrow with Jess, Gina and Laura.
C3 prep this weekend. I hate those things. They make me feel so degraded </3 |
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| You Might Think I'm Happy But I'm Not Gonna Be Okay |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|12:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I'm The Best At Ruining My Life- From Autumn To Ashes | ] |
xxTwistedChicka: everybody always gave you what you wanted you never had to work it was always there
...yeah
Edit:So...Corey was gonna come over at 6, we settled in Friday. I left a message with his mommy (who was very nice to me and called me sweetie) and another one on his house phone. SO it gets to be 6...nothing. I figured whatever, so I wait 20 minutes. Still nothing. No one is home and no one ever called me back like I asked VERY nicely. Twice. I've collapsed twice in the stairs. But now I'm just mad.
I used to think boys sucked and they were the problem. I think it's me. But shit happens you know? No one said caring was easy <3 |
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| Because One Month Is Just So Long... |
[Mar. 17th, 2005|04:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Letter To Someone Like You- Atreyu | ] |
The world around you falls away and I will still be there
I know my words are like daggers but they cut me too
And I am sorry for all the fucked up things I say I didn't mean it
And I never realized that I can be what I hate
Lets be happy with what we have, enjoy the beauty in these days
Sometimes we'll laugh sometimes we'll scream no one said caring was easy
I know there was a time when emotions felt like pulling teeth
Sometimes I felt so souless I couldn't even look at me
It's pathetic to hate who you are and it feels like hell to change
But I'll be damned if I push you away
I remember when my dreams were dying
and I damned the sun, I damned the sun to pieces
I carved hateful thoughts into my chest
then you took my hand and nothing, no nothing has ever felt the same |
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| I'm Far From Lonely And It's All That I Got |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|06:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Red- Chevelle | ] |
I showed my entry to Nicolle. She scratched out Novice and wrote Training.
I'm looking at a horse, possibly this weekend, who trotted down the fence line and jumped the long side of the huge water trough because it was there. Warmblood/Thoroughbred. <3
Deb wants Laura, Steph, and I to go out for lacrosse next year with her. Sounds good to me.
I'm a happy empty. But still very empty. Btw if you pinch me tomorrow I'll punch you in your fucking face.
Edit: my rents are taking me to get tested for ADD and BPD. WONDERFUL |
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| How Do You Gauge Loneliness |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|06:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | All That I've Got- The Used | ] |
I've got this lingering feeling that someone or something is about to stab my heart.
Today was fun, I went home with Laura, Nestor, Steph and Kelsey. Nestor sat in the middle of the god damn street and started meditating, I kept tripping over the side walk, Kelsey was having a fettish for the cats and then Nestor and I started chucking candy at each other. Steph and I walked back to LB to get Deb haha and I almost got us lost. Fun times.
7th was...interesting. I proved what lack of sleep could do to someone.
ranting: Really fucking tired of this bullshit. First my family making fun and bitching at me because I'm not smart and now my friends are doing it. Shit gets old after awhile esp when you tell me the same thing every fucking day how stupid I am and how I'll fail the classes I want and how stupid my horses are. Love you guys too. Your actually breaking me down and I'm just so sorry I just can't shrug it off like everyone else would.
I know my eventing isn't going to go anywhere. People my age are twice as good and have the talent it takes. Caitlin and Chess come to mind. I'm not "good" for my age. I just don't have it. You've either got it or you don't. Took me 10 years to figure out. It's true and we all know i'm going to fail my C3 rating this october.
so deep that I didn't even bleed
so deep that I didn't even scream__x3 |
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| I Said I Didn't Need You, But I'm A Liar I Swear I Do |
[Mar. 12th, 2005|06:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alive Out Of Habit- From Autumn To Ashes | ] |
I'm a happy girl
And I've come to know
That the world won't change
Just cause I complain
Everybody knows
That the sweetest thing you'll ever see
In the whole wide world
Is a happy girl
I HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING B IN GEOMETRY. I was 99.9% sure I was failing
AND yeah I have a B in history. Only Jaxie understands that and how awsome it is. <3 |
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| Sometimes When Your Holding On You Never See The Light |
[Mar. 11th, 2005|04:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Letter To Someone Like You- Atreyu | ] |
Right so in health (or whatever the hell you want to call it) we're learning about how not to make a baby. Yeah even I know that one. So we're watching a movie and the lady is like, "This is a condom. You have to buy them, don't make your own because seran wrap doesn't work." No joke.
And today I decided, with Tami, that if I get raped I will cut the man's non existant uterus about. HA.
Good times in 7th period <3
I got a B on my history test. So did Jaxie. I laugh at my history teacher. Grr
I remember when my dreams were dying
and I damned the sun, I damned the sun to pieces
I carved hateful thoughts into my chest
then you took my hand and nothing, no nothing has ever felt the same
6days |
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| In Love And Death |
[Mar. 10th, 2005|04:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Home- Three Days Grace | ] |
It's been a couple days
HAPPY BIRTHDAY UGUR!
^ugur is officially an old man now. just so you know. and we have plans for his 18th bday:
xxoff thewallx: the only way you could break it would be to run over it with a car omg! for your 18th birthday i can drive you somewhere and celebrate you getting REALLY old
Viva La Ugur: OMG
Viva La Ugur: no
Viva La Ugur: you with a car is a death wish
xxoff thewallx: i should have my lisence this october8-)
Viva La Ugur: omg
xxoff thewallx: i'm excited
Viva La Ugur: im never driving in the same road as you are
xxoff thewallx: i'm good as long at you don't shout to me. my mom shouted and i yanked the wheel to the right and almost took out parked cars
Viva La Ugur: oh jesus
xxoff thewallx: and i get destracted
Viva La Ugur: ill only yell when you are driving really fast and flippin out on random people in front of you for going slow
Viva La Ugur: and the only thing i will yell is
Viva La Ugur: OMFG!!!
one month next thursday. :) <33 |
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| Twice In One Day |
[Mar. 6th, 2005|09:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Act Of Depression- Underoath | ] |
I can't remember my law words in english. I keep getting two mixed up. It's useless
I hate history. There's no fucking way I can memorize it. Because I'm stupid. History is easy. I'm stupid fat and ugly
I need a break. I'm taking it out on everyone. I'm touchy, I'm edgy, and I'm sensitive.
And I'm done. |
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| I Bite. Rawr. |
[Mar. 5th, 2005|10:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | They're Only Chasing Safety- Underoath | ] |
All I feel is the pain of being alone, the pain of keeping it all inside, and the pain of always being just short of adequate. As soon as the bell rings, I grab my backpack and rush to the bathroom. Stall door locked behind me. Tears don't fill my eyes; no sound of pain is emitted. At that moment, the only thing I feel is control. Infinite, absolute control.
I have finally realized what my biggest fear in life is
I am not afraid of the dark, of sharp objects, or of blood
I am not afraid of dying, of being murdered, or even of being raped
My biggest fear in life isto be abandoned or forgotten by the ones I love the most
Everyday you say the rights things that cause my heart to break in the wrong way
To you these words are filled with love and concern
To me they come across as hateful with so much resentment and criticism
I try to make myself happy and do what I want in life
But to you I fuck up everyday, nothing I do is good enough
I try to ignore your comments on everything, but every now and then it gets too overwhelming
At night I sit and think about you and your words
How they cut at my soul and my own words begin to flow from my veins
Your words constantly resound in my mind every second of everyday of my godforsaken life
Why?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but those wounds will eventually heal
Your words shatter my soul and that is irreversible
^^bad teenage poetry. doesn't mean anything it's how i get crap out. later guys |
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| Push My Fingers Into My Eyes |
[Mar. 4th, 2005|03:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Transylvania- Iron Maiden | ] |
YAY!!! Todays's finally Friday!!
You know what. I really HATE labels.
What are you gonna do about it...
I don't care.
I don't care that you don't think I'm steriotypically "hardcore" now. I listen to what I want. Just cuz I like Taking Back Sunday and Cradle of Filth doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not emo. I'm not punk. And if you have a problem with that, then you can screw off and stop categorizing everyone. I heard the stupidest thing from someone in my Geometry class the other day. He says "I think everyone should be put into categories". I almost ran accross the room and smacked him in the face. Categories are for food groups, not humans |
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| I Heard Your Gangster; I'm Quite Gangster Myself lol |
[Mar. 3rd, 2005|03:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lip Gloss And Black- Atreyu | ] |
hahah yeah right. Yeah so I'm chillen with Corey, Jen, TJ and Ppod. Ppod's little dude friend came up to us, looked at me and started talking to Corey:
Little Dude: Who's the hot girl *looks at me*
Corey: Thanks so you like her too?
*little dude looks at me*
Little Dude: Oh...so...are you like...his girlfriend?
Me: Um yeah
Little Dude: Holy shit! Now she's gonna kick my ass...i've been pussy whomped!
Ppod: It's pussy whipped not whomped. Whipped
That's how my morning started out. It really didn't change, <3 the dustbunny for being the bestest friend ever and yeah...everyone in english thinks I'm smart now. Haha. Lunch was fun. Ugur has girl pants cuz his mommy pulled a Whitney *wink* lol haha love my friends |
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